DoingTheCaveman

Look to the left

I've been brave.  Finally, I have up a photo of myself. Althoug it is my before, before photo. It's one taken at the beginning of my journey to obesity, and I was around 2 (28 lb) stone over my ideal weight and the extra chin was beginning to emerge. I felt pretty terrible about myself at the time it was taken, little was I to know how bad it was going to get:( 

When I talked about photos before it's one the last photos taken that I felt I could recognise myself.  Ever since I've found myself pretty much disconnected from the stranger in the pics, hence no current photos. 

When I do (hopfully) recognise myself in a current photo that will be the time I post my befores and afters.

Reactions

This morning began with a bang.  Quite literally at 6 am was just waking up to hear a quiet skid, a huge thump and the gut wrenching sound of crushing metal.  My heart sunk because it's a sound that's been heard too many times before.  The end of our lane is an accident black-spot from which we've excaped many close shaves. 

Knowing that there was unlikely to be anyone else around at this time of the morning we went out to investigate, but couldn't have prepared ourselves for what was to be found.  On past occasions there's been an accident here those involved have been wandering around, dazed but in one piece, and at least have been able to reassure them etc. Today though, when we rounded the corner to be one of the first on the scene of the most horrific accident.  The engine of the car had flown into the middle of the field, the side of the car wasn't there and the seats - well I don't know where they were, they'd completely disappeared.  Three teenagers had been thrown out of the car and were lying, unconscious,  some 20 meters apart on opposite sides of the road.  One lad I found hidden in the hedge and was completely scalped.  To be honest I wouldn't be surprised to find that there is a shrine at the end of the road over the next week or so, because it wasn't looking too good. (Update - 9 pm. Boy described is critical).

Amazingly the first car to appear that I flagged down turned out to be an off duty policeman on his way to his shift, f-l-u-k-y!  But the 10 or so minutes it took for the emergency services to arrive seemed like a lifetime.  As I type now at 6.30 pm the road, which is a major route, is still closed.

Anyway sorry to be getting that off my chest in a weight loss blog.  It's been a bizarre kind of a day. The scene keeps flashing back, and thoughts of how they are, what's happening to them and their parents have been coming to me all day.  I have uttermost respect for the emergency professions who attend accidents like this as part of their day-to-day work.

Reactions: I think as a direct result I've done something terrible, but maybe have found an answer.  Could it be that today's events have answered some of my questions about how I came to develop such compulsive eating habits.  I'm pondering whether over the years I was eating badly was as a reaction of being in a to a constant state of stress.  Why?  Well what did I do following the accident  was go direct to went to M & S,  bought 2 packets of chocolate biscuits, locked myself in and pretty much ate the entire lot.  I really don't feel as if I was really 'there' when I bought them, I don't know how they came to land in the basket alongside my fruit.  Maybe it's because I haven't done anything like this for so long and this particular gorging event has only just happened I'm able to look right back into the act and realize that it took me to another place - a calming, numbing and soothing place.  Were the past bad eating habits a way of pasting over and anesthetising myself out of life?

The weavers derriere

BE WARNED

This is what you get if you sit around blogging too much.

Day 3.

Too much sitting means you can't sit any more and honestly will be back soon when I can get around the problem of sitting. 

Walking - no can do. Going up stairs - no can do.  Bending - no can do.  Sitting definitely - no can do.

Big time computer withdrawl symptoms in progress.

The long goodbye

You know it seems an awful long time time since I did my monthly 'progress report'.  Ouch, so long has it been that I actually experienced a loss. However, I do realise that it's been completely my own fault that the diet hasn't been working for me, of late.

I've been weighing up whether or not to talk about this in my blog or not.  But in the end  decided it was relevant as I realise I have been using food as that comfort tool again and need to explain why to myself, and you, why I've again been on a self destruct path..  I thought it'd help to write it out but please excuse the ramble I'm about to go into. 

If you were reading my blog back in January you will remember that I said I was separating from my husband, then said little more about it.  However, although the decision was taken back then it wasn't until last Monday that he finally left. Actually, I almost came here (my blog) and churned it all out then and gosh wouldn't that have been a ramble - not to say this won't be.

The last few months have simply been the oddest ever, kind of a reverse honeymoon period.  There were many logistical reasons why we couldn't just separate immediately - little things like selling up and when I the sale went through and I  tittled a previous post 'leaving limbo land' I really meant it!!  With the credit crunch crisis affecting the house market as it is, it did seem for a while that we were going to be completely stuck and unable to move forward in our lives. 

The painful thing was during the last 6 months waiting we simply grew closer and closer, maybe even closer than we've ever been.   It wouldn't be fair to broadcast the exact reasons why we're separating on-line but there were for me quite a few issues. But although we were able to work through a lot but it was clear we could not mend the unmendable.  Funnily enough as a multicultural, mixed faith marriage it started with many factors why it would be doomed to fail.  But in the end though none of the potential problems put forward to me had anything why the marriage has failed.  But imagine if you will at the start of your marriage, it's really not great when the registrar asks your future husband to leave the room so that you can be given a pep talk about the dangers of travelling to his country ie. female rights (although I do appreciate some people do have some terrible experiences).

A couple of weeks ago after MS dropped me off at work my colleague said to me 'he's such a lovely man I just don't know why you're separating'.*gulp*  It's hard not to be able to tell people the main unresolvable reason, although I am sure it's not what they'd think - maybe I will someday. 

Anyway, as I said on Monday he left.  The whole of the previous week I was longing tell him I'd changed my mind.  We could so easily go on as we were. But the unresolvable issue meant that neither of us would ever really be able to move forwards, we weren't heading for the same goal post.  It was really just a sad tale of two people just growing apart and not wanting the me things in life anymore. 

Additionally, throughout the marriage everything seems to have gone wrong for us/him.  Knife point robberies, car accidents, employment issues (him).  I could go on.  We had begun to feel as if we'd had a curse on us.  To mark this point, the wind seems to have changed  *touching wood*  and luck suddenly seems to have been going our way...  Last Thursday I received some very good news and then on Monday MS finally received confirmation about his car accident/spinal fracture compensation which is a case thats been going on for 4/5 years and will certainly help him with his new start.  You can't help but start reading things into it when you he gets news we've been waiting for for years on the very morning he goes off to start his new life.  Maybe he'll be more successful on his own, it does seem though that we were never meant to be.

Anyway as much as I'd thought I'd prepared myself psychologically for the day he left, it seems I really hadn't.  His fresh start means that he's returning to his own country.  He's often been away for prolonged periods, but this time it's going to be an almost complete cut of. It's not as if we're going to see each other from time to time.  He's going to be living on a different continent and now that I feel completely devastated and full of regret. 

Anyway I'm going to post this.  I have a feeling that it may be one of those posts that I'll wake up to in the morning and wonder why the *** I pushed the 'publish now' option, but here goes.

Mulberry season

Anyone looking for me can currently find me residing under the mulberry tree.  I'm gazing up to the ripe berries I can't reach and setting the goal that next year I will be at the top gathering them. Those pesky birds just won't stand a chance.

Life happens and I'lll try and get back from my retreat next week b/c at the moment the dam has burst.

Hair raising

Alongside a weight problem I've had a parallel problem, a follicular one and unfortunately because of those darn hormones it's all too common when you have a weight problem.  Fear of hair loss can creep into your dreams in the form of a night terror, it certainly does mine.  It is one thing a man losing his hair, and certainly not an aspect of manhood he'd embrace.  So imagine, if you will, the experience of this loss for a woman. 

Remember, even before we go into puberty we use our hair to enhance our femininity.  Hair is so aptly named is the crowning glory, it's the main outward sign of our femininity and losing it rips away a portion of one's feminine identity. 

When I was at my heaviest my hair, which remained styled long, was the one thing that I still liked about myself - losing it was desperately painful.  

My personal hair loss happened a  little under three years ago now.  There may be a couple of photos lurking somewhere as a reminder of that desperate period. In the meantime I'm wachful with my hair and hope one day my weight loss will induce my deviant hormones to balance.

Unfortunately a few weeks ago my hair was beginning to look rather thin again.  One aspect of the advice I was given (see previous post) was something I found really hard to maintain... Leave it alone!

I still don't entirely know what had caused the loss.  It hadn't been looking it's best for a while so it could have been hormones but then I was very ill.  The doctor suggested to me that i't used to be said that a febrile illness could trigger hair loss'.

Overall, apart from the hard cut back, and massage I think the advice not to wash ones hair too often was probably the best advice.  I have always had greasy hair, so I have always washed it on a daily basis,  That's not really the best thing you can do for your hair but I am completely phobic of greasy hair and working in a customer facing role it's not really the best look.  Back to the beginning of this year I was back to a washing it every morning,  yet it'd still be  greasy hair by the evening. My reaction waas then to manically wash it until it it'd got to a point that it'd started to look thin again.

The tricholosist was excellent in that she recognized that the hair loss was happening.  I was, at this point, brushing just a a few remaining long strands over my head, yet people were telling me that I was imagining it or that I shouldn't worry about it.  This was despite the fact I was by now almost completely bald.   I was starting to doubt if what I was seeing in the mirror really was my reality.

However when Wendy examined my hair she was able to tell me that the hair follicles were OK and there was actually new growth there.  The bit I didn't like was that it all had to go and she set about hacking it off there and then.  It looked a little better, not like I was trying to hide what was plainly missing.  It was kind of cute when it grew back curly, and I liked returning to the elfin look I'd been given as a child. 

The best advice from my experience is to see a  trichologist (rather than a hairdresser) for support and for a better insight into what I was dealing with.  This was far more helpful than the medical doctor.  In the meantime you can check for hair growth yourself by; near your parting hold with your hands flat against your scalp, hold your hair down on both sides so it's flat against your head.  You will, hopefully, see very short strands standing out.  This is your new growth.

With my recent thinning the action I've been taking, along with increasing the days between washes, is that I've stopped using regular shampoos.  Kind of in line with my Caveman diet.  I'm not putting parabens into my hair any more and I intend to start making my own shampoos shortly.  I'm not sure if it's the less frequent washing or reduction of chemicals but in just 6 - 8 weeks I can see a marked increase in new hair growth and the grease problem seems also to have balanced itself.  My my hair looks glossy, has a better texture rather than being greasy at the roots and brittle and dry and frizzy at the ends.  Actually it looks like my hair used to be - and there's a lot of it!!

Finally, cant resist a paleo note.  Yes, I do think looking to nutrition is an extremely important to good hair.  Look to increase densely nutritional foods and reduce that stress.  It will show up in your hair and will affect your weight.  My grandmother used to recite a story about her friend whose daughter, Heather, suddenly died at the age of 6.  Her friends hair did go white overnight as a result of the shock. 

I heart my hair...

Out of Limbo Land

Happy Birthday to me,

 (UPDATE: Yesterday, delay in entry)

Well the day started of starting well because of the title of the entry and of course the date and then turned suddenly turned nasty at work before hand of the clock even came round to 9 because I found myself the victim of a bullying incident.  I was going to call it 'covert' but I've just looked up bullying definitions and this comes into the realm of 'obvious bullying'.  Anyway this is the second incident this year and has really knocked my confidence, just as I was re-garining it, forcing me  to hide in in the bookshelves in order to shed some silent tears.

GREAT start to my Birthday.

On to happier things.  Panic stations!!  As I was heading towards a record breaking  7 month house sale  I've finally exchanged!  Yippee *skips around the room*.   Move date is Monday 23rd, although I had wanted 2 weeks between exchange and completion.  Anyway it's all pretty legally binding now.  All pretty scarey since we have the petrol strike going on this weekend (including Monday & Friday) in the UK.   It could all go horribly wrong!!  If I could score my levels of anxiety it's pretty much 10/10 at the moment.

The outcome of this is I'm either going to go one of two ways I'm either going to eat everything in sight or not at all.  I think it's going to be the latter and given that I've just finishing this at 6 am having been awake since 4 am.

Anyway, his will be my last post for a a few days.  Is there such a think as computer withdrawal?   I feel as if I'm already suffering symptoms, my first job today is to pack up the computer *sobs* until I don't know when *sobs*.

Finally, and the main reason for this is post is I need to become more social and more accountable, join in a challenge, set some goals, and to this end I've joined the Bloggers Biggest Loser Challenge.  Seems great fun and I'm looking forward to joining in.

 

The Seven Sisters

I was on my way home from work yesterday and suddenly felt claustrophobic at the thought so instead took a detour. 

Proof that we walked down.  The grass down here is so bouncy I've always walked this bit barefoot.

 

Taking a few moments out to enjoy a good book and the sea air and view... bliss

 

I used to come down here on a weekly basis.  Can't remember why or when I stopped - the detour was so worth it.

 

Confessional & THE Penny Farthing

Dear Blog.

"I sinned".

yes~ Jenny ~ weak, weak weak

...but being caught in the act WILL be an effective deterrent. 

Oh the shame of it.

This is what happened:

I rounded the corner today at work; it was the end of the day and THERE sitting on the side was a plate of biscuits.  Now usually such things are confined to the staff room - where I don't go!  Without thinking I took one and it was so, so ... goodI went back for more - two more!  Now my colleagues know about my 'unsual' diet.  They've been supportive and have really assisted by not putting temptation in my path... and you know ~sometimes~ when you're on a diet, there'll be someone who sets themselves the personal task of sabotaging it.  Not this group though.  Their support has really helped my resolve, which until recently has been unbreakable and strong.  I know it's only me who will ultimately succeed or fail, but I don't want to let down those that've encouraged me.  With this in mind I've easily been able to walk on past any temptation inadvertently left in my path.

Today however, Colleague 'B'. said, with her back to me,

"Jenny, I've left some biscuits from the meeting on the side, although I know with your diet you probably won't' want any".

She then swung round to face me ... and there I was ... looking like a bloody hamster, gob full of yummy oaty biscuit and hand hovering near my mouth ready for the next bite, as guilty as sin and no way to escape.

It was one of those awful moments when time stands still.  Complete surprise and shock on her face.  Horror on mine.  

Hysterical

Amused 'B' said

"but I see you've found them!!!" and then we both cracked up. 

Well you can't be a saint all the time.....

I think I've redeemed myself though.  Since the sun had decided to show itself on the way home I took a detour to the top of Ditchling Beacon and, biscuits in mind, went for a brisk walk along the top. I really don't know why I don't do this more often... in truth, I'm not usually the driver so the car doesn't usually want to stop. Anyway, it was beautiful and on the way home my face was glowing from the exhilaration of the brisk walk and wind, rather than my previous acute embarrassment.  

It's a snaky steep drive down, and can be a little hair raising.  Today I found myself thinking that, if I died now my last hour would have been a truly happy one. 

Finally as a completely random way to finish this entry on the way home a bizarre sight - a boy *speeding* through the village on a Penny Farthing! I kid you not.  Strange, I did wonder if it was some sort of physical challenge because it did look like really hard work.  

 

 

Sad news

   

A little maudlin today.  During the weekend I spied an obituary to a 'lad' who was in my school year.  To be perfecly honest I couldn't really remember who he was and had to check out the tags on our year photo to put the face to the name.  Nevertheless, I feel terribly sad and although I don't really know what happened the obituary asks for donations to be sent to the British Heart Foundation.  Who knows what heart condition he had,  I'm just putting 2 and 2 together and making 5.  I know it happens, but it highlights the danger of heart disease when it happens so close to home.  Not so long ago we were a healthy bunch and  I'm completely shocked that anyone from my own school year would already dropping down from heart disease, we're not that old (36).  Brings home the fragility of life. (R.I.P. Peter)